Step Three: No Must Mean No
Each month of 2007, The Family Advocate presents a step in an intentional plan for parenting. Instead of parenting by incident or activity, we are parenting on purpose. January’s article kicked off with the challenge to choose to parent your child, rather than manage your child’s schedule. Last month’s article described the delicate parenting balance of love and discipline.
Before parenting can go to the next level-training your child in the more significant disciplines of life-you have to deal with a difficult but crucial word: no.
Picture an employee sitting before his boss for an annual review. Part of this review is the answer to a long-awaited question. The employee can’t take it any longer, so finally he asks his boss, "Am I going to get a raise this year?" The boss answers, "Maybe."
Maybe!?! What does that mean? Is it a signal for the employee to beg for a raise? Or argue with the boss about a raise? Without a simple yes or no, the employee-boss relationship takes on a completely new dynamic.Such ambiguity creates a similar problem between parents and children. Parents actually encourage a child to argue when they answer that child’s requests by saying, "Maybe"” Perhaps the word maybe isn’t actually used. A parent might say no, but not really mean it. When a child hears a parent say no without backing it up, the child learns that it really means maybe. They learn not to take it seriously. This creates problems for parenting.
In contrast, when the word no means what it says, the child grows up learning to deal with disappointment and also accepts the reality that we will not always get what we want. This is a healthy and crucial lesson for all of us to learn. The child learns how to deal with his or her own feelings and how to move on past temporary disappointment. Then a child can become an adult who understands the process of delayed gratification and knows how to discipline his or her desires.
On the other hand, when a parent says no but doesn’t really mean it, the child acquires a whole different set of skills. The child learns that some elusive key exists—that has worked in the past—a way to turn his parent’s no into a yes. Well, not really a full yes. More like a loud, "Oh, okay this time, but next time, I really mean no!"
This child learns to try a variety of keys to get what he or she wants from the parent. There is the tantrum key, the argument key, and a variety of other emotional outbursts to get the parent to cave in.
When no means no, the child grows up in a home learning to discipline himself. When no means maybe, the child grows up in a home learning to manipulate the parent.
In a home where no really means no, the child grows up to become a competent adult. When a home teaches that no means maybe, the child stands a chance of never leaving adolescence. Ironically, no enhances the parent-child relationship while maybe destroys it.
Think before you look your child in the eyes and say no. Mean it when you say it. And follow it up with any necessary discipline if that child doesn’t obey. Don’t succumb to your child’s methods to get you to change your mind. Even if you’ve made mistakes with this in the past, begin now to teach your child that no is no longer an optional idea- it’s not maybe. Then your parent-child relationship can grow and move on to the more significant areas of training and fun.