What Do I Do About Lying (part 2)
Last month we began discussing what parents should do when children are lying. I gave the example of a child lying due to low self-esteem. But what about the lie that signals a little more than, "I don't want to get caught"? Those are often the most frustrating lies to deal with. The child has violated a pre-established rule, but when confronted with it, he denies any involvement. Let me give you another example.
After a hard day at work, Jack returned home to find that a catastrophe had taken place. When he entered the front door, he found a lamp overturned and broken in the living room. His two boys were both in their bedrooms, and Jack's wife Doris, was in the kitchen, very upset.
"I see we have a problem," Jack said. "We can replace the lamp right away, Honey." Oh, it's not the lamp. It's their constant lying that wears me out," Doris responded. "I was outside in the front yard talking to a neighbor when I heard the crash. When I came in I found one of their toy airplanes next to the lamp, neither claiming to know anything about it."
Jack decided that particular day was the day to start dealing with this irresponsible behavior. He went into the bedrooms and asked both the boys to come and sit in the living room. "Boys, we have a serious problem here and it has very little to do with the lamp." Jack remained calm. The father continued, "Someone has broken this lamp and is unwilling to admit their behavior." Immediately both boys began denying any knowledge of the incident. "It's not the lamp that worries me," Jack began. "The consequence for playing with the plane in the living room and destroying the lamp is only money. The more serious matter is the fact that the person who did it is now lying. The consequence for doing this is much more serious. We are going to sit here until the one who did it admits to it."
It was a drastic measure. The fact that it was a Wednesday night and the family had planned to go to church meant those plans had to be changed. As they sat there, the boys realized their father was serious; they were going to sit there until the problem of lying was resolved. Bedtime rolled around and Jack had to make some decisions. Should they go to bed without resolving the issue? What about school the next day? Jack decided to send them off to bed and to school the next morning. But he told them they would be right back in those seats after school.
Before bedtime on the second day, the older son asked if he could speak with his father alone. At that point he burst into tears and confessed his lie. Jack gave his son a hug and told him he loved him. Jack told his son what the consequence would be. First, the boy would have to apologize to his family for lying and causing everyone to sit for so long. Then the boy would have to his brother's chores for him on Saturday because he had caused him to have to sit there. The consequence for breaking the lamp was that he would have to pay for it out of his allowance. The consequence for lying would be some extra work around the house for a week.
"If you had told the truth in the first place, this would only have cost you money. I hope you have learned from this mistake. If there is another lie, we will do the same thing. We will stop everything until the truth comes out," Jack said.
Two weeks later a similar situation happened, and once again a lie was told. "Boys, it's time for us to sit in the living room," Doris said to her boys. "You know what happened last time the truth was not told." Almost immediately, the boy who was lying spoke up and said, "I did it, Mom."
It was going to take them awhile to respond with the truth immediately after they were asked. They were learning however. They were learning because Jack and Doris were committed to teach their children the importance of honesty. Lying is a serious behavior that must be dealt with in a serious manner. When it is excused or left unchecked, it can become a very divisive power within a family. It takes time to teach this lesson, but it's time well invested.