What Do I Do About Temper Tantrums?
Picture yourself in the grocery store with your three year old. You turn down the next aisle – and you both spot the cookies at the same time. The visual stimulus, though identical, produces two very different responses. You are reminded of what happened the last time you stood on this spot. Your daughter is reminded of how good cookies taste, and of how much she wants them. Within seconds, the gentle, but firm, reminder – "No cookies today" – has transformed your little angel into a wild child in the throes of a very loud temper tantrum.
It’s too late to back out of the aisle now. She's already drawing a crowd, and getting more worked up with each passing moment. Every instinct you have is telling you to make her stop. What do you do?
If public embarrassment is your number one concern, you will do whatever it takes to quiet your child; and that usually means caving into the tantrum and grabbing a box of cookies. Giving your child what she wants seems like the only solution. It quiets her voice, and shuts down your shame reactions…at least temporarily.
You see, you've just taught your child a valuable lesson – how to overthrow the word, "no". You’ve trained her to understand, "If I get wild enough and loud enough for long enough, I'll get my way!" Now she's using a very basic principle – do what gets results – to train you. And you will both use those same techniques again and again until you choose to stop the cycle.
Children throw temper tantrums for two reasons – because they are children, and because they work. And adults give in to them because they aren’t thinking long term. A child's adulthood must replace public embarrassment as the number one concern for today's parent. Proverbs 22:6 teaches us to train our children in ways that will help them understand how best to function as adults. Learning to master one's temper is a necessary adult discipline called impulse control. It is a decision not to let urges control reactions to life's challenges – and it can save a marriage, a job, and even lives on the highway.
Every child experiments with tantrums; but they only become part of the response repertoire when they have become effective. ("I came; I tantrumed; I conquered!") When the behavior doesn't yield the desired result, it is no longer a productive reaction to the parents' "No". The first step to regaining control is simply to stop caving in to your child. Don’t reward him or her for unpleasant behavior. In fact, give your child exactly what he or she doesn’t want – an unpleasant consequence, like time out in a separate room or on the couch with you there to make sure they don't get up early.
When it comes to public tantrums, the same rules apply. In the grocery store, the consequence may be grabbing your child and your purse, leaving the cart in the aisle, and going to sit in the car. Once the child calms down, you can go back in and resume shopping; but if she cranks up again, it's time to repeat the learning exercise.
You may be thinking, "I just don’t have that kind of time"” Make the time. Your schedule will survive, and it's worth making your child marriageable and employable. And be sure to draw the line while you can still carry the child. A temper tantrum from an eighteen year old will cost you considerably more time and money; and it could cost your child their future.
What’s the bottom line on temper tantrums? Expect them; children are unfinished. But don't reward them; plan a consequence. And don't be embarrassed by the fact that you are training your child to become a competent, self-disciplined adult. As your child learns these lessons, other people will enjoy him or her more – and so will you!