Who Is Responsible?
IN MANY HOMES parents accept too much responsibility for their child’s behavior. Pete and Diane were parents that shouldered all the responsibility for the behavior and consequences of their son, Nathan.
Nathan’s behavior had progressed to a point where he wasn’t even getting up in the morning without a major confrontation. His parents came to Sheridan House for help when Nathan was sent to the office at his school for tardiness.
“I don’t know how we have gotten to this point,” said Pete. “He is a wonderful boy, but we end up arguing about everything. He can’t even get out of bed in the morning without a fight.”
The basic question here was, “Who is responsible for Nathan’s behavior?” “Who holds the responsibility for Nathan to get out of bed in the morning, you or Nathan?” I asked.
“We don’t coddle Nathan,” Diane cried, “it’s supposed to be his responsibility to get up in the morning. I only go in and wake him up.”
“You go into his room once each morning to wake him up?” I asked. “Well, not really,” Diane replied. “I usually go in five or six times. .”
“What do you do when Nathan doesn’t get out of bed after you call him the first time?” I asked. “By the fifth time if he is still in bed I end up yelling and screaming at him. I’ve tried everything,” Diane answered. “We thought that if we went without waking him, the school would punish him for being late, but even that hasn’t worked.”
This illustration is typical of the frustration many parents and their children go through, and it also serves as an excellent example of misplaced responsibility.
These parents stated that it was Nathan’s responsibility to get up, but they took it back and went in his room repeatedly, begging or screaming each morning. That was his only consequence. He was forced to start each day listening to his parents demean themselves and him as they yelled and screamed when he did not get up.
When the parents felt they could not get Nathan out of bed, they once again transferred the responsibility to let the school deal with him for being late. Nathan had not yet fallen under a plan that made him responsible for his behavior.
Yelling is not an appropriate or effective consequence. Yelling teaches nothing positive to the child and destroys the parent-child relationship. If a policeman pulled people over for speeding and only lectured them instead of issuing tickets, people would ignore the speed limits. Speeders would learn to endure the lectures and listen to the officer and once the lecture was completed, the citizen would drive off and forget about the incident. No real consequence would occur.
Nathan was in the same situation. He was not responsible for his behavior, his parents were. They were responsible for deciding how many times to go into Nathan’s bedroom and how loud to yell. Basically, these parents had become Nathan’s personal alarm clock. He just waited for the noise to get louder and louder.
A NEW PLANPete and Diane were sent home with a new parenting plan. They called Nathan to the kitchen table to explain how it would work in their home. They began with an apology.
- Reason for the New Plan.
“I’m sorry that we have operated this home in a manner that everyone started the day in a bad mood.”
- Explain the Plan.
“If for some reason you choose not to get out of bed, one of us will come into your room after breakfast and help you get up. We will stand there until you are dressed and help you out the door without yelling.
- The Consequence.
Nathan’s dad continued, “I need to tell you what will happen if you don’t get up and come to the breakfast table by 7:15. If you cannot get up, it will tell me that you are not getting enough sleep at night and that a 9:30 bedtime is too late for you right now. On the mornings that you don’t come to the breakfast table by 7:15, you will go to bed at 7:30 that night.”
- Placing Total Responsibility on the Child’s Shoulders.
“You will make me go to bed early,” Nathan responded. “No,” his father said. “You will be making yourself go to bed early. You will now be the one who is responsible for your bedtime. We will only enforce the plan.”
“When you do make it to breakfast for a week straight, and I really hope you do, then your behavior will tell us, ‘I can handle my 9:30 bedtime, how about extending it?’”
Teaching the proper understanding of discipline places responsibility for decisions and consequences on the child’s shoulders. When it is done in the appropriate manner, the child will learn to discipline himself. This is the goal of the parents’ plan.